I don’t get sick, and by that I mean, fuck if I’m not sick right now. The sinus pressure, the achey body, the cough and the runny nose all add up to me being an extra whiny, pain in the adenoids.

Oh, what’s a person to do? Certainly not ask for advice. Cold remedies are like assholes, everybody bleaches them.

Try zinc, use echinacea. Antihistamines, no try bronchio-dialators. Soup works. Spicy food works better. Try a 2×4 to the head! No, you can’t go wrong with a brick to the face!

What I find interesting when I have a cold, my disdain for humanity grows exponentially. Not only do I no longer have the ability to tolerate stupidity, but I develop animosity for the people who spread this Rhino Virus, or Noro-Virus or Bird Flu or SARS or whatever the hell my immune system is waging war with. God damn, just wash your hands people. I’m not asking you to wear a Hazmat suit (Made popular in such films as Outbreak, Contagion and ET the Extra Terrestrial). I bet I could trace back my malady to a dead rhesus monkey. See! Reese’s Pieces? Rhesus Monkey?? ET was the prophetic blueprint for the coming global pandemic! All the signs are there! All of them except any of them. Soylent Green is people! It’s people…

I might have a fever, I can’t tell.

So the next time someone extends their hand in friendship, slap it away, point and scream at great volume “UNCLEAN!!!!” then drink a gallon of hand sanitizer* while curled up naked in a scalding shower, rocking back and forth, muttering “phone home, phone home, phone home.”…trust me, it works almost as well as a brick in the face.

Tiny no like sicky-sick.

* please don’t drink hand sanitizer, k? I’m angry that I even need to say that.