Of Girlfriends And Gamers

I’m no Cmdr. Sheppard, nor am I Kratos, Christ, I’m not even Mario (that little fucker can jump). What I AM is someone who has been laid, multiple times, by multiple women. Without an exchange of money, I might add.

I also game.

But Tiny, aren’t those two worlds mutually exclusive?

The short answer is no.

The long answer is more of a snarky indictment about you using the phrase “mutually exclusive” on my blog, you pompous little git!

Here’s the way I see it, video games are God’s answer to the period. And before all my luscious lady readers get all up in arms over that statement, take a midol and listen.

We love sex, us menfolk. We crave it, we think about it, we do really silly things in the persuit of it. Things like Axe Body Spray or sleeping with your best friend or anything related to Twilight. Seriously, if your husband or boyfriend was honestly excited about the Twilight films, if he hasn’t already left you for Team Marriage Equality, he will my dear, I’m sorry…have another Midol and a Cosmo. I bet he made a fabulous one.

So back to the dumb sexual animal class that me and my brethren belong. We dig sex. What most of us also dig are video games.

But Tiny, my boyfriend doesn’t play Call of Duty or World of Warcraft, he’s not a gamer!

Really?? Seriously?? You think your boyfriend isn’t a gamer? Here’s a little trap for you to use. Ask him why last years Madden sucked. Just bring it up casually in conversation over the perfect little dinner you’re having at that special place you like. If you ask him, he’ll start listing all the technical and gameplay issues like he was explaining string theory. He won’t even know for a few minutes that he has been outed. Sister golden hair, we men game. It’s fact.

We were once hunters and gatherers. We conquered lands and led crusades. We shipped off for war and explored new cultures. Have you noticed how little of that we now do?
Like WAY little. Do you know why we used to do all of that? We did it FOR you and we did it BECAUSE of you. Sorry girls, but we needed to be free of you to do man things like fell great beasts, topple wicked empires and fart with impunity.

Video Games let us do two out of three. They feed our dumb grunting masculinity. And what did the heroes do upon returning home? They did you! In rough ways, manly ways, ways that have been immortalized in statues and frescos and all manner of crude ancient Internet porn. Yes, video games. Recognize.

So when your man is lost to you on his third pass of Mass Effect 3, let him play awhile and then whisper in his ear “Baby, no matter how many Reapers you kill, Commander Sheppard won’t blow you, but I will. Clock is ticking”

If he’s not playing Mass Effect 3, this may not work as well. Maybe just make another Cosmo and wait. The stupid little shit can’t play all night.

Can he?

The Geek Shall Inherit The Earth

I’m admittedly the nerd/geek in my circle of friends and family. Yet all things being relative, in my circle, just knowing who Greedo is, let alone who shot first, is enough to garner the title and subsequent eye-rolls from my Muggled peeps.

My Neekdom or Gerdness is not the strongest of kung-fu. I have, at one time or another owned items listed below…

– First Edition Fiend Folio
– A Jakub Slemr Championship Preconstruct
– shadowrun for both the SNES/Genesis
– Full Schematics of the NCC-1701D
– Qui-Gon, Darth Maul, Obi-Wan interlocking animated banks.

And despite all of that, I have managed to touch a woman’s boob. Intentionally. With her full knowledge and permission.

So I carry with me some nerd cred, with the length of time I was in the life, I might even be considered OG (Original Geek). But I never gave myself over fully. I don’t Cosplay. I have never LARPed. I can’t name all the actors who played the Doctor. I would never purchase a reproduction of Aragorn’s sword, Andúril – Flame of the West!

Ahem.

I walk between the two worlds now. Speaking both tongues. To paraphrase the great scholar and philosopher, Robert Downy Jr…

“You never go full Geek. Never.”