Every year, every motherlovin’ year, we have this fight! Sure you are the measurement by which we know past from present, present from future. The way we calculate age, the distance between paychecks and it’s YOU who allow us to understand the concept of ‘late’, and by late, I mean, she peed on the little stick and a pink rabbit died or some shit. Time, you are very wondrous and powerful and unstoppable and for the most part, we are BFFs, pinky swear.

But what the fuck are you thinking??? About this you every year, you go and cruelly snatch away an hour! Gone. Boom. Was 2:00 now it’s 3:00. That is some cold Slytherin ju-ju right there, Mr. Time! You never even bother to ask if I’m good with it! What if I had plans? Maybe a nice sandwich or a pedicure or sexual relations with a very busy professional! Perhaps you think it’s funny to dick with me every Spring, maybe it’s some kind of grooming, some form of Stockholm syndrome, just as I begin to revolt in the Fall, you quickly give me the gift of a whole hour! To do with as I please! So distracted by my shiny gift, I almost fail to notice “I can’t put my finger on it, but this hour look very familiar…Hang on, is this from Spring??’ By then I was already caught in your Timey embrace, thus fixing a problem that never existed in the first place. Time, you would have made a great consultant.

So here we are again, facing your wrath or sadistic sense of humor or gift of more daylight or whatevs. You know, just like last year, and the few before that, I won’t be speaking to you for awhile. Stewing over the lost sleep, the earlier alarm, the utter disregard for the time-space continuum in the name of farmers. FARMERS!! I swear to Christ, if your little stunt messes with my DVR, we throw down!! Gangnam Style! Because you don’t mess with the clock in S. Korea, do you Mr Time?? No you don’t! You only mess with the US of A, land of Real Housewives and 50 Shades of Gray and The Snuggie and Type II Diabetes and Charlie Sheen and ok, I see your point now…sorry, I’ll go change my clocks.